The NBA All-Hair Team

Basketball is one of the only major American sports in which players don’t wear hats or helmets, so we are treated to something that we miss dearly in many other sports: fantastic haircuts.  Sure, there is some great hair in the NFL and the MLB, but it’s mostly hidden, and that caps its overall awesomeness factor.  Pun intended.  No limiting headgear for basketball players means that they can just let it flow, and we can all enjoy.  In fact, some NBA players wear headbands that accentuate their style.  Let’s take stock in some of the greatest hairstyles that current professional basketball players have to offer us.

The Righteous Flattop – Norris Cole, Nerlens Noel, and Iman Shumpert

Norris Cole Hair Iman Shumpert Hair Nerlens Noel Hair

Oh yeah.  I love it.  These guys are rocking the retro look with some pretty outrageous flattops.  These are better than any I’ve seen since Gerald from Hey Arnold!  Hopefully, they’ll bring the style back.  Just look at that glamorous shot of Shump.

The Sideshow Bob – Robin Lopez and Anderson Varejao

Robin Lopez Hair Los Angeles Lakers v Cleveland Cavaliers

I know that when my hair gets long, it flops around when I run and it’s incredibly irritating.  I can’t even imagine how it feels for these guys.  Sideshow Bob would be proud.

The Sideshow Cecil – Elfrid Payton

NBA: Orlando Magic at New Orleans Pelicans

Payton has a similar hairstyle to Varejao and Lopez, only it has a few more physics-defying qualities.  I swear it never moves.  Seriously.  Watch it closely.

The “Dreadlocks Fallin’ All Over Them” – Chris Copeland, Kenneth Faried, Jordan Hill, and Nene

Chris Copeland Hair Kenneth Faried Hair Phoenix Suns v Los Angeles Lakers Nene Hair

Dreadlocks are definitely not at a premium in the NBA, so it’s all about what you do with them.  If you have dreadlocks fallin’ all over you and you need some style tips, go type “Jordan Hill hair” into Google image search.  In fact, even if you don’t have dreads, go do that.

The Samurai Bun – Joakim Noah

Joakim Noah Hair

Last Spring, I was watching a playoff game between the Wizards and the Bulls with my good friend Emmett.  He is not terribly into sports, so he was mostly just messing around on his computer.  He looked up at one point during the game and said, “Say what you want about the Bulls, but that one guy looks like a samurai.”  Yep.

The Pretty Boy Faux Hawk – Danilo Gallinari, Chandler Parsons, and Alexey Shved

Danilo Gallinari Hair Chandler Parsons Hair Alexey Shved Hair

Hey guys.  What are you doing later?

The Ugly High School Girl – Kelly Olynyk

Kelly Olynyk Hair

My girlfriend hates this guy solely based on appearance.  He’s a pretty ugly dude.

The Facial Hair Squad – Steven Adams, Anthony Davis, James Harden, and Kendrick Perkins

Steven Adams Mustache Anthony Davis Unibrow NBA: Indiana Pacers at Houston Rockets Kendrick Perkins Jafar Beard

We know James Harden as “The Beard” and Anthony Davis as “The Brow.”  It’s just a matter until we start calling Steven Adams “The Creepy Mustache.”  Meanwhile, Kendrick Perkins rocks a pretty terrifying Jafar beard.

The Blinger – Blake Griffin

Blake Griffin Hair

Blake Griffin’s hair really isn’t all that cool, but it’s a fantastic example of a genetic phenomenon.  Black + Ginger = Blinger.  Black people that have red hair are awesome.

The Mohawk – Chris “Birdman” Anderson and Marcin Gortat

NBA: Miami Heat at Brooklyn Nets Marcin Gortat Mohawk

The Birdman’s mohawk has toned it down a bit of late, but it’s still pretty incredible.  Gortat’s is a little dwarfed when put beside it, but it’s still a nice doo.

After the categories comes the list.  Who makes the cut?

NBA All-Hair 1st Team

Elfrid Payton

James Harden

Iman Shumpert

Jordan Hill

Robin Lopez/Anderson Varejao


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